Two Orange Lumps and a Gate: Balsley Park

Exhibit A: an orange lump.

Every review site needs a floor, and Balsley Park is ours. The park itself is a small plaza on Ninth Avenue. Tucked inside is a gated kids' area, and inside that gate you'll find the entire play offering: two lumpy orange things.

Exhibit B: the other orange lump.

That's it. Two. I've seen more excitement in a bowl of oatmeal. You can sit on them. You can stand on them, briefly. My daughter gave them an honest try, because she's a good sport, and then looked at me as if to ask what we were really doing here.

The kids' area is gated off from the rest of the park, which should make it a safe little haven. In practice, every time we've come by, it's been occupied by people sleeping rough or teenagers smoking weed. I have never once seen another kid in there.

I don't enjoy writing reviews like this. This neighborhood needs good places for kids to play, and this spot could be one with some real equipment and a little attention. But as it stands, it earns the lowest rating possible across the board.

Verdict: best avoided. If you're nearby, walk to the Tom Otterness Playground on 42nd Street or head into Central Park instead.